Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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