I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
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