guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
