2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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