He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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