I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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