There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
