I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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