either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
