u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
