don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
