Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
