I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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