I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
