I seem to have left my pride at pride
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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