How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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