She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
