Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
