the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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