the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
