I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
