how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
