finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
