You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
