Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
