DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
