so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
