I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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