when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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