I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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