Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
