my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
