dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
