My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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