I'm pants shitting drunk right now
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
