my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
