im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
