First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
