chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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