This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
