Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
