Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
