Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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