i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
