it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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