the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
