Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
