You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
