this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just puked most of my soul out..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
