Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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