Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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