Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My life is pants optional.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
