Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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