Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
