I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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