She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize