she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
