in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
BRING THE BAGELS
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
