I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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