Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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