you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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