so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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