Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
