she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
