were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
