Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
