I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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